Nighttime Ruminations
by purpleballerynna
Summary: Angel thinks about Buffy while rocking Conner. B/A ship, mentions C/A. Set after


Nighttime Ruminations

AUTHOR: Miya

E-MAIL: violetsilver@edsamail.com.ph

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Angel or anybody else you recognize in this fic. And I'm telling the truth here, I swear.

SPOILER: _Birthday _I think... 

SUMMARY: Angel talks to Conner about Buffy

PAIRING: Has mention of C/A but this fic is B/A POSITIVE!!!

A/N: This fic wasn't beta-ed, so bear with anything you see wrong. I wrote this in a rush and I'm not entirely happy with it. If you have any ideas on how to improve it, please tell me. Please... ***begging and groveling begins now*** 

RATING: G???

It was nighttime; the whole hotel was quiet. But I couldn't sleep. I looked at the other side of my bed and saw Cordelia gently sleeping. I smiled, slightly sad though. I don't know why. I tried to sleep again when I heard Conner's cry. I crept out of bed and went to his crib.

"Hey there little guy." I say quietly, so as not wake anybody else. He keeps crying. I walked over to the rocking chair and sat down. I rocked Conner slightly, hoping to quiet him.

I started to hum a song my mother used to sing to my sister and me. Of course, this makes Conner's cries louder. I stopped. 

"Shh, Conner. Shh." It didn't help. Finally I gave up and just talked to him. It's funny to think that my baby would stop crying just by talking to him, but I'm a desperate man. I mean I think everybody in the hotel is waking up because of my son's crying. I just saw Cordy put a pillow over her head.

"Conner. Please be quiet. Know what? What about if we talk? Okay, I talk and you listen. Is that okay with you?" his cries lessened a bit. 

"Good. Well, where to start. Let's see. How about your mother?" his cries got louder. "Okay, not Darla then. Cordelia? That should be safe. You like Cordy don't you?" he still didn't stop. I didn't understand why he didn't stop. He seemed to like Cordy. "How about Fred or Gunn? Wesley? Lorne?" I was about to give up and wake Cordy or Fred when I suddenly thought of somebody else. "Would you like to hear about Buffy?" his cries stopped.

"Let's see. Buffy's my... I'm not exactly sure what to call her. She was my girlfriend. I loved her. And I hurt her. First let me describe her. Buffy was, is beautiful. She's like the sunlight. Warm and bright, yet garish at times. Of course you don't understand what garish means. Let's just say that she can be beautiful and harmful at the same time. She was also very brave. She didn't know it, or acknowledge it but she really was. She had a big threshold for pain. Come to think of it, I suppose I caused her a lot of that pain. She always tried to hide it, the pain. She fooled everybody, not me. Your father's a smart guy Conner; I could see it in her eyes. She was suffering."

"Anyway, Buffy is perfect. She was happiness and peace and contentment all rolled into one. All things that I can never have. And I, I still... I still love her. Don't tell your aunt Cordy though. You know what, I wish she was here. I wish she were your mother. I wish you could know her. But that's impossible now. The last time we saw each other, we agreed on stating out of each other's lives. Conner, if there was one thing I want you to learn, that'll be to listen to your heart. Never let go of the ones you truly love. Don't be like me son. Don't get me wrong, I love my life here. It's not perfect and that's the only my life's supposed to be. But you Conner, you can have that perfect life. Find your light, your Buffy. And when you find it, don't ever let it go."

Conner had fallen asleep. I put him back in his crib then went back to bed.

I wiped my eyes. I didn't notice that I had tears in my eyes. I looked over at Cordelia. Earlier I had thought that I was over Buffy. That I was in love with Cordelia. I guess I was wrong. I still love Buffy. Nothing can change that. But as I said to my son, I can never have her back. Now I know why I am so sad. I have a son. A child that I love dearly and unconditionally. But that child will never know somebody else that has my heart. Someone whose heart is pure. Someone who'll love him just like I do. 

I close my eyes, tears still in them and will my to sleep. I can just pretend that my life is perfect. After all, only my son and me know that it isn't.


End file.
